


Always Another Beginning

by PennamePersona



Series: Clinic AU [17]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Trans Dave, Trans Character, Trans Karkat, Trans Male Character, brief angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 06:33:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5995039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John is panicked. He's also in a dress. </p><p>Both of these are for good reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Another Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Woohoo! Pounded out in one day!

You're getting ready for a date with Karkat (9 month anniversary, and wow, your relationship could have a baby by now! Not that it would, that'd be really weird and you both have penises sooo no luck there, not that you want a kid with Karkat and not that you don't want a kid with Karkat but anyway, 9 months, long time, wonderful time) and you realize that maybe this will seem strange to him.

Honestly, your idea of gender was shattered a long time ago by Rose and Dave. Dave, when he came out to you and Jade as trans, made it extremely clear that he was a guy, no doubt about it. That didn't stop him from wearing Rose's clothes, though, even her skirts and dresses because to him, they weren't gendered clothes. They were Rose's clothes. He'll even make jabs at himself, call himself a "real woman" sometimes when he's doing housework, but you know that he knows that you all know that he's a guy.

And you're a guy (though sometimes you wonder about how real gender is and those are always interesting conversations to have with Rose) but at this point, clothes have no gender to you.

So you're standing there, getting ready for a date, and you realize that you've never worn a dress in front of Karkat before.

This isn't really that unusual, considering you don't really wear dresses all that much anyway, they're just not that comfortable to you. But you know you look good in them, and you wanted to look good tonight, and of course your first thought was hey, you've got that cute dress, why not wear that?

And it even goes with that pendant Karkat gave you when you went to his uncle's house for his birthday, so you thought it was a great idea, but now...

Now, you're wondering if you want to take this step.

And then you think, what if Karkat actually does care? Some part of you doubts it'll be a catastrophe, but...

Okay, you really like Karkat. You love him, actually, and you don't. You don't want to break up with him.

You set your jaw. You will, though. If this is that big of a deal. You can't be with someone who won't accept this sort of stuff, especially not when Karkat and Dave are pretty close and you refuse to let Dave get hurt as a result of this.

Fine.

You try not to cry, try to just be optimistic, but it's kind of hard. It makes you glad that you got ready early, so you have time to just sit for a while. Normally, you'd be going to get Karkat by now, but it's just. Not possible for you to go out like this. Not when this might be the end, and you'd hate that, just when your relationship was really feeling permanent, you don't want this to end you can't just let it end like this, but you also refuse to be with a transphobic person and you guess this is just about the best way to find out.

You sit there for a while, in your dress, one hand rubbing the pendant. You're not sure how long it is until you hear knocking on your door, and you're confused until you realize that it must be Karkat and you're not ready for this, you're so not ready for this

And he's opening the door because you told him he could do this because you're so close and that used to make you happy but now, now you're really not done with this panicking episode

And he's coming in

"I'm not ready!" Is all you can think to shout, because it's true, you're not, you're really not.

"Okay," He says, already having stepped in and seen you, oh, oh, he's seen you.

"I..." You can't say anything. What can you say? He's seen you already, it's coming out now.

"Well, I think you look fine," He says. "What else could you even need to do? Hair and makeup?"

You just look at him, unable to properly process what he's saying.

"John?" He asks, and then a look of concern takes over his face. "John, are you crying? Why, are you okay, what happened?"

He crosses over to you and takes your face in his hands. You didn't think that you were crying, but you've been wrong before, and you were pretty worked up.

"I'm fine." You say, and pull away slightly. Karkat's face changes somehow, though you can't quite put your finger on how.

"What's wrong, John." He says, not really a question.

"I just." You are silent for a moment. "What's your opinion on trans people?"

"Are you trans?" He asks, seeming surprised.

"No," You say quickly. "I mean, Dave. Well, answer the question. Please?"

"Dave is trans?" He asks. "Huh. Wouldn't actually have guessed that. He passes well."

"Karkat, answer the damn question!" You say, loudly, almost shouting. He has that look again, the odd one, and you don't like it.

"I am trans, John." He says.

"W-what?" You ask. "You are?"

"Did I really never tell you?" He asks. "I must've. Oh, wow, I really didn't, did I? That's weird."

"A bit, yeah," You say, sort of distracted. "You're trans?"

"Yes." He says, suddenly very seriously. "I'm assuming you don't have a problem with that."

He's sort of scary, like that. You think maybe he gets that from some of his family members, who would be terrifying if they didn't like you and who would probably come after you if you hurt Karkat.

That isn't why you say, "Of course not."

That isn't why at all.

"Good." He says.

"Yeah," You say. "So. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I forgot, honestly." Karkat says, shrugging.

"You...forgot?" You ask. "What?"

"I've been out since I was, like, three. I forget that people don't know because I'm so used to them knowing." He says. "It's just normal for me."

"We shared a bed." You say, sort of out of the blue to him, maybe. "We shared a bed and we've made out a bunch and _oh my god you have boobs_."

"Yes." Karkat says, eyebrows raised. "Yes I do. I wear a binder sometimes, but I'm pretty flat, so - "

"I can't believe I never noticed!" You say, throwing your hands up in the air.

"Me too, now that I think about it. How many times have I complained to you about my period?" He asks, and wow, you feel like an idiot.

"You never said it was your period." You say in defense.

"What else could "time of the month" even mean?" He asks, just as loud and shouty and gestury as you.

"Rose told me that cis guys go through hormone stuff too, I thought you meant that! And everyone gets cramps -" You say, then stop. "Oh. My god. Stop. No, seriously, just stop."

"What?" Karkat asks, lowering his arms.

"Our relationship could have had an actual baby by now," You say. "Dude, I was seriously just thinking about that, and now it's possible."

"Actually, it was never possible." Karkat says. "I can't get pregnant."

"You can't?" You ask. "Why, because of surgery?"

"Nah," He says. "I haven't had any surgery. My body isn't a huge deal to me, I'm not super dysphoric. It's something that just happens in my family. Most of the women in my biological family can't get pregnant."

"Wow." You say. "And. Do you mind?"

"Not really," Karkat says. "It's never really been an option, so not a huge deal to me. Besides, ow."

"You're lucky you aren't very dysphoric, though." You say, nodding. "Dave used to be really dysphoric. It used to be really bad sometimes because Rose would look fem and they're identical twins so then Dave would realize how fem his body could look and it was just bad. She even wore binders sometimes because of it."

"Fucking ouch." Karkat says, presumably in sympathy. "That sucks. Is he better now?"

"Yeah," You say. "All surged up and everything. He's way better now."

"That's good." Karkat says.

"Yeah." You say, then realize you're still sitting on your couch in your cutest dress, which you originally put on to impress him. "So. I only look fine?"

Karkat sighs.

"You look great, John. Like, really great. I was toning it down because you said you don't like being sexualized." He says, and you're blushing nearly instantaneously.

"Oh," You say. "Well. That's. I mean, that's good."

Karkat laughs, something he's done more and more the closer you've gotten. You're glad. You love his laugh a lot, you don't know what you'd do if you couldn't make him laugh.

If you had never heard his laugh again.

"I would've broken up with you." You blurt out, then wince. Real subtle there, John. Way to go.

"Over what?" Karkat asks. "Not me being trans. Not if Dave -"

"No, if you hadn't been okay with trans people. Or me in a dress. I couldn't have. I mean, I love you, Karkat." You say, looking him straight (ha) in the eye, glad to see he's as serious as you. "But I would've broken up with you."

"Good." He says.

"And it would've nearly killed me." You say.

"Less good," He says.

"We probably should've had this talk sooner." You say. "Sort of like how we probably should've talked about me being ace sooner?"

"Probably." Karkat says. "But hey, we're still going strong. Somehow."

"Yeah, that really confuses me, too." You say. "I mean, I love our relationship, it's rad as hell, but wow, we're a couple of serious dumbasses."

"Ex-fucking-scuse you." Karkat says. "You are definitely the bigger dumbass of this relationship."

"I'll take that." You say. "I didn't even realize you were trans, I'll totally take that."

"But," Karkat says, plopping down next to you. "I love you anways."

"Good." You say, laying down to put your head in his lap.

"You know, we do have reservations." Karkat says, smiling down at you.

"So we do." You say, not moving.

"And there's still after the reservations if you want to make out or something." He says.

"Way to romance me, Mr. Vantas," You say, rolling your eyes, but smiling.

"It's been nine months, I'm over the romancing." He says, but later, after dinner when you're back at your apartment, he contradicts himself.

A lot.

And you are so glad you wore this freaking dress.

**Author's Note:**

> Pennamepersona.tumblr.com and I have a relationship/family tree posted there for this verse also
> 
> [Buy me a coffee!](https://ko-fi.com/A375K8Q)


End file.
